It has been more two weeks since I found out about my husband’s misdeeds.

I have not been as angry as I wanted to be.

I am not as spiteful as I would like to be.

I don’t know what I am feeling anymore.

I didn’t feel anything even though he cried and kneeled and apologised. I told him he can go and do that in front of his mum and his late dad via the ancestral tablet.

“I hope they are still proud of you,” I said.

Betrayal, disappointment and no sense of direction perhaps. I do feel a pull on the muscle that rest on the external part of my heart occasionally.

He appeared on my birthday, spent time with the kid, we went out for drinks at night and he never left. Just because I didn’t kick him out again don’t mean I have forgiven him.

Everyone wanted to talk to me in person and I have been entertaining folks and answering calls and texts even though I really wanted to be left alone and throw my phone out of the window.

“Don’t think of having us to help you out with you child. You have no means to support yourself,” the parents said.

Hello. I was earning a good income before giving it all up to have a child and to spend time with the child. I am not as worthless as you made me out to be. To think the people I relied on for support threw this at me.

“Don’t make rash decisions. He has to work very hard to keep the marriage. Let us know how we can help,” said the uncle.

Who said I am giving him a second chance in the marriage?

“His mask game is damn strong. To think that our family never thought of him not being good enough and he dared to do these behind our backs,” said the eldest sis.

Another said, “If you do stay in the marriage maybe you want to make more effort in terms of sex.”

I’ve been bleeding for more than four months and nobody likes a bloody affair. Whatever happened to the wedding vow “in sickness and in health”? I was healthy when it all happened!

“What are you trying to achieve by having him post a public apology. He may face disciplinary action and his career may be gone” another sister said, “Your child is the biggest victim here. Not you.”

What about me? I hope that few minutes of joy was worth throwing his career and family away.

How can I not be the biggest victim here?

“He went to look for a service and it’s a different person both times. He’s not in love with someone else, so it isn’t so bad,” a friend said.

If you think it is ok to look for such services, may I bring your other half to a massage parlour and have someone else give him a happy ending?

To think that I used to share my sexual experiences openly and I end up with a man that went out to look for services. 讲了都觉得丢脸。叫老婆帮你打飞机很难吗？

“So what’s your decision,” many asked.

Do I have to make a decision now? Why must I? Why should I? I am getting a hysterectomy done in a few days time and I am incapable of making a decision right now.

If I have to make a decision, the answer is no. He can fuck off from wherever he came from. Or to the massage parlour he fancied. He proved unworthy to be a husband but I need him to be around to do the heavy lifting as a father.

The thought of someone else touching his dick and him touching someone else’s boobs disgusts me. I cannot stop thinking about it.

If he had felt a sense of guilt, why did he visit a second time? We were going through IVF for the third year. Apparently it did not mean anything to him.

If he said he felt guilt and did not visit anymore after I got pregnant, then why did he continue to seek and ask for quotations even after our child was born and while I was going through recovery after my delivery trauma and then the post natal depression?

I can’t prove he continued visiting but I found more messages in his phone after more digging.

He had every intention to visit again and I felt that he is only sorry because he got caught. Sorry, I believe you are not that sorry.