Resolution 2022 — Read a book every month (March).

A Happy Married Life, A Buddhist Perspective by Ven. K Sri Dhammananda.

I remembered I took a copy of this book at the temple for my sister because she was constantly lashing out on her husband. I just wanted her to be happy. She did not take the book from me then.

Turns out I am the one that needed advice for a happy marriage more. At least other people’s husband don’t visit sleazy massage parlours despite being scolded so fiercely.

He told me he would divorce me if I ever lash out at him like how my sister did to my brother in law. Turns out I don’t need to do any of those for him to dig his own grave. He don’t deserves my anger, saliva and attention. Why be a nice, understanding and gentle wife only to be taken advantage of?

Anyway, this book is so difficult to understand that that reread it TWICE. I either find the advice too late or not applicable or just not what I was looking for. A lot of it involves the topic of children. I guess a lot of marriages became unhappy or have conflicts after people have children.

Book in a book, on the reality of Married Life, John J. Robinson in his book Of Suchness gives the following advice on love, sex and married life.

“Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it’s heavenly; but if you do not, you live in a 24-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the most bitter things in life.”

It hasn’t been hell, it wasn’t a roller coaster ride. I just felt like a fool for being gullible and naive to believe and trust someone only to know he disrespected and was dishonesty behind my back.

After reading, I still don’t have answers and closure on dealing with his infidelity episode. I still can’t let go and I am not happy in this marriage at all right now. It has been affecting me. I don’t allow him to touch or kiss or be intimate. I’m not ready.

How can I still be happy? A new marriage perhaps. Nah. If I’m out, I’m done. No more marriages for me.