Month three after the discovery of my husband’s infidelity…

Three months is a short time to heal. I accepted the fact that we cannot go back in time and I thought I found peace within myself but my best friend pointed out I have trouble sleeping and needed sleeping pills. Hence, I am not.

My imagination ran wild when he tried to touch me. This pair of hands touched other women’s boobs while getting a happy ending while we were going through IVF trying to have a baby. I pulled myself away…

His lips might have kissed someone else. He said he did not. How do I know it is the truth? I put my hand between our faces and pulled myself away.

His dick… He paid someone else to touch it. I pulled my hands away. Maybe he paid someone to use it too. He said he did not but how can I trust that he is telling the truth?

Fact is I don’t trust him at all and I had nightmares about him disappearing at night visiting massage parlours.

He sent me a picture of us together randomly and said it showed up on iPhone memories. He said he is thinking about me and misses me. Miss my cheebye maybe. Even having it will never be enough.

I told him seeing pictures of us together made me uncomfortable. I reminded him that was the time he cheated and I don’t believe a word he says after the time he betrayed me.

If you really love someone you would have protected them and keep them safe from any harm. Not inflict pain on them.

He said he was under stress as his parents were ill and work was getting too much. He found an avenue to distress and did it knowingly it is wrong. Why can’t he address his problems directly instead of doing wrong stuff at my expense?

He asked me for a last chance but I told him he don’t need one. He obviously found chances to visit massage parlours for happy endings when I did not give him any in the first place.

He said he went for counselling but his case was dismissed because it would not work without me being involved. I don’t think I need to be part of it. What is the point if we are getting a divorce in future?

We went on more dates and dinners in the last few months compared to the last 6 years of married life. I could be happy but I am not. I can see the effort but I question the rationale of doing it. Is it just for show? Is it because of guilty conscience or is he just trying to make amends? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this.

A lot of women I spoke to said visiting massage parlours are small things and he can be forgiven.

Who are you to decide?

Have you ever gone through IVF injecting yourself everyday and visiting clinics by yourself only to have your husband said you had low libido and hence he visited places of vice? Please don’t victim blame here.

He was the one that wanted IVF but I ended up being the one getting jabbed, fat, ugly and everything else goes haywire to the point that I had to remove my uterus.

Do you know how much it hurts to know you giving your husband an afternoon off and only to find out he spent the time trying to book a slot at a sleazy massage parlour?

He said he was relieved I found out because he is not carrying the burden of me finding out anymore. Why did he not confess and tell me earlier? I told him is is typical and selfish of him because now I am the one with the burden.

He’s an asshole and a scumbag. I don’t know how I ended up marrying a man like him and having to go through all these.

Maybe it’s just me. Somehow the men I’ve been with think it is ok to hurt me.