What happens when you leave this world?

Do you believe in afterlife?

Is there hell?

I am not sure if there is hell. If there is one, I’ve probably only been to the holding room.

I’ve only shared this with my family after I woke up and only to friends who asked because I don’t want to be seen as pushing my religion and beliefs on others.

Backstory: You may be aware my heart stopped twice after childbirth back in 2020. I regained consciousness three days later in another hospital after seven hours of operation to remove blood clots that blocked oxygen to my lungs. The procedure involved the neurologist, cardiologist, haematologist and gynaecologist. I had a mild stroke on top of this pulmonary embolism as well.

Although I was unconscious all this time but I remembered what I heard and saw after I woke up and it seemed real.

There seemed to be a discussion. Maybe it was just in my head but it went like this…

Man: Have done good deeds in your life.

*Clacking of abacus* and it sounded like the person is doing calculations.

Man: Hm… Not enough. The good deeds has not materialised yet.

Then I entered a room where I saw a man wearing white shirt and black pants sitting and leaning against the back of a chair comfortably with his hands resting on his belly.

He was addressing what seemed like an audience. It felt like the audience were sitting on the floor and looking and listening to him as he has his eyes looking down. I was standing diagonally to his left observing. He looked Tibetan but he was not wearing any traditional or religious grub.

I could sense that I was not alone but I was unable to see the others. I also saw black prayer beads with a black gourd attached to it hanging on the wall. Everything else was bright, white and I felt light and free.

“东方和西方极乐世界是不一样的，你要选好要去哪里。”

“Eastern and Western Pureland of Ultimate Bliss is different, you have to choose where you want to go,” he said. He looked at my direction and nodded his head as if he was acknowledging my presence.

Then I woke up in the ICU by slaps on my arm.

Who are those in the holding room? I am amused and I still wonder why I am brought over to the holding room only to be told I have not done enough good deeds and to decide where I want to go.

My mum said I came back from Gate of Hell (鬼门关) after I woke up. I am not convinced I went there at all. It did not look like hell to me because there are supposed to be 18 levels and lots of other ghosts and blood splattered everywhere right?

Every time I am think of this, I am reminded I haven’t done enough good deeds I am destined to do and hence I am back in this world to go through the suffering I am destined to bear.

Not just the four stages of 生、老、病、死、(birth, aging, sickness and death) but also 爱、分、离 (love, separation and departure)。Everyone goes through the four stages but I think emotions are harder to deal with.

People say if you die from a sudden death, you will stay in this world to repeat whatever causes your death until your time is up. Thank goodness. I can’t imagine going through 11 hours of contraction and an emergency caesarean everyday…

It is a blessing I survived to tell my story and able to enjoy the experience the little one bring. Yes, I realised my life was not a fairy tale but I am still thankful for the new lease of life.

Is there afterlife? I definitely believe there is and the only thing I can assure anyone who believes is, the holding room didn’t look and feel scary. I am no longer worried or afraid of death and I will embrace it when the time comes.

The cost of it was $40K from the operation and a year of multiple follow ups in the year with various specialists only to be told there are no conclusive causes and there is nothing wrong with me anymore after multiple tests with the various departments.

Maybe I really need to choose and decide where I want to go and where I want to be after I leave this world.

With the relaxed ruling on covid19, the upcoming Vesak Day will be especially important as I will be taking part in the three steps one bow event again after three years. Just to express gratitude. May I have the physical and mental strength to complete the ritual. 阿弥陀佛。