When I was just a little girl, my mother told me never ever stay together under one roof with the in laws.

A typical Singaporean family back then will consist of at least three generations living together and it would be strange if someone didn’t know their grandparents.

Growing up, I see my grandparents everyday but they were living next door.

“Can stay nearby but don’t stay together,” my mother said.

Fast forward to my first marriage, the ex has a place jointly owned with his mum’s making it impossible to get a HDB together because of the amount of cash involved in any party buying over another’s share. At least that was what he said which I didn’t fact check.

With the ex in law, the only space I had was the bedroom. Staying under someone’s roof felt like I didn’t belong and it was suffocating.

At home with my parents, I could walk around, put my leg up and watch any tv channel I fancy.

Fast forward to the second set of in laws, the husband wanted to get dual key apartment so he can stay together to take care of his parents.

I had no intention of stopping him from being a filial son so I told him early on in the relationship if his intention was to stay together with his parents, then he is free to leave the relationship to look for someone else. That was how we ended up staying 100m away.

I thought I was an extremely understanding daughter in law and my husband would be appreciative of my efforts. Now, I hated my decision.

He grew up in a family that parents preferred boys to girls and he is their retirement plan.

Only after we got married, he will receive a phone call every few days that his father, his mother or his elder sister needed help.

With all these little disruptions, we stopped going out at nights, on weekends and on trips because we had to drop everything and go back to check on his family.

When the whole estate was going through upgrading (HIP), I offered to let the in laws stay with us because dust is bad for their weak respiratory systems also the inconvenience of having to go to level one to shower. I felt good for offering but I regretted my decision everyday during that period.

Let’s just say they love clutter. I could not see a free space on my dining table. My water flask is always near empty and I don’t have a seat on my own sofa. Worse of all, it was the first time I see cockroaches at home after two years of staying there. I felt helpless in my own home and stayed out late everyday.

Everything was still manageable until I have a child. I needed all the help I can get especially when I was recovering from the health trauma during the first year.

The husband not helping around and spending more time and attention with the in laws rather than his newborn took a drain on my mental health. Don’t get married and have a child and expect your spouse to do everything on her own.

People assumed children stay nearby their parents so they get better child care support. We stayed nearby to take care of them. I envy those who get child care support and I always ask if they would rather be in my shoes when they started complaining.

People assumed filial men make good husbands. They may be a good son but not necessary a good husband. You can imagine my anger, my disappointment and despair after I got to know about his betrayal.

Finding out about his infidelity this year was a blow because I just didn’t think he was capable of doing that with all that was happening with the in laws’ ailing health, my IVF journey and post delivery trauma these few years.

The move back closer to my parents last year was supposed to be temporary but I decided to make it permanent this year and I’ve never been happier. The husband had no say because I gave him the option of moving back to live with his mum and sister or anyone else in that matter.

I still don’t get a lot of help for childcare but I have my live in helper which really put my mind at ease.

As for my in laws, since my fil passed away, I hired another live in helper to take care of my mil and assist my sil. We visit them every week.

Their place is still as cluttered but my mind isn’t.

More about what mother said here.