Category Archives: Infidelity

Adult, Infidelity, Money, Relationship, Thoughts, Work

Mother Says 03: Take His Money

In My Boomer Parents on Marriage post, I mentioned my mum told me not to be silly. Stay in the marriage and “take all his money” literally.

It is not all about the money but in a way it is.

Let me elaborate why she said that. From what mum saw from people around her, a man will and can easily find someone else and start another family after a divorce. When that time comes, will he still be able to afford to keep on paying alimony (if granted any)?

It will be a long and tedious process to file and sue the ex-spouse. The last thing you want is to spend time, energy and possibly money on someone from the past. Hence, women usually suck it up and bring up their kids themselves.

When I was feeling disgusted and divorce was all in my mind, getting out was the only thing that seemed to matter.

Then, I realised I was on a career break, I have investments but I don’t have much cash on hand and my CPF is pathetic. If I depend on the man to provide maintenance or child support, I will have to sell tissue paper or clear tables at hawker centres if I don’t do something about my situation now.

I understood that I needed financial security and to plan an exit strategy if the need arises next time. Hence, I went back to a full time job earning a stable income.

He volunteered to give me access to all of his salary so he don’t have the means to do anymore “silly stuff”.

We have a joint bank account for shared expenses we contribute together previously but nothing so transparent that he hands me everything and I give him a monthly allowance.

一个男人这样活得有意思吗？As a man, is there a meaning to life to live life like this?

Whatever. It was really a wait and see attitude.

To me, since trust is already gone, he can always save up and go for all these services he again if he really wants to. No point in me controlling the finances.

However, I must say ever since I have visibility of the money and has been controlling the finances, I have been really happy checking the bank account every month using his for all expenses and keeping my own in my bank account.

一段感情穷到只谈钱。悲哀啊。

A relationship is so poor that there is only money to talk about. Depressing.

More about what mother said here.

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Adult, complain, Culture, Infidelity, Money, Relationship

AITA 01: His Cousin’s Wedding Dinner

Am I the asshole for refusing to attend his cousin’s wedding dinner?

I’ve never met this cousin. He said this cousin does not visit any relatives during Chinese New Year because the older folks had a falling out. Gambling debts and money issues. Since they don’t make the effort to keep in touch, you expect me to give a stranger blessing via money in a red packet?

“We are going as representatives of my family. My mum can’t go,” he said.

I suggested he attend with his sister. Why not right? Since they share the same relatives.

“My relatives haven’t met the little one yet,” he said.

I told him he can bring his son there. Remember to feed him and change his diaper on time and make sure he wears his mask. Bring the helper along if it is too troublesome. He (the husband) should also be prepared to stay home and look after his son if the little one fall sick after attending the wedding.

He has not given up on wanting us all to attend as a family still.

Fact is, I hated facing that side of his extended family.

Every year, every family member take turns to to ask me when I am having a baby.

Ectopic. Fertility issues. Not that you all understand what it is anyway. Yup. Keep telling me I’m not trying hard enough. Keep rubbing salt on my wound.

When I got pregnant and my boobs were full, I was told I shouldn’t wear my top anymore because I am exposing my boobs. KNN.

After I took a career break and was trying to get back in to corporate, one of his cousin who is an air stewardess said I was too picky and asked me go and apply as a teller if I want to go back to working in a bank. I remembered I told her barely a few minutes ago I used to work in HR in a bank and looking for related jobs.

Never mind…I just said I think I am overqualified.

Asking someone who used to work in a bank to apply as a teller is akin to asking someone who used to work in an airline to apply to be a flight attendant. Not everyone can do these roles. Get what I mean?

I decided to smile and shrug it off rather than invest time to explain further for a yearly meeting.

I posted on his Facebook early in the year how he cheated on me and his cousins saw it. Glad that you all know why I am not around as a family unit during such events. I’m not over it yet and I don’t want to make myself unhappy and uncomfortable by attending. I don’t feel like faking a smile for anyone.

You know what? I might not show up for Chinese New Year gathering next year too because I just remembered there are not enough seats in the car to ferry everyone.

I feel stressed thinking about it already. To improve my mood from being reminded of the mental stress caused by him and his relatives, I should treat myself to a nice massage session while they are out attending the dinner this weekend.

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Adult, Infidelity, life, Relationship

Boomer Parents on Marriages (Mine)

No love left in the marriage but staying together due to economic reasons and social stigma. Maybe I will be like this auntie when I grow up. Pack up and leave everything behind and go on a solo trip. Eat whatever I want, do whatever I like.

Parents, I am not sure about yours but mine are annoying when it comes into the topic about staying in a marriage.

When I wanted to end my first, my mum nagged at me non-stop and said I don’t respect marriage because how can I “anyhow” end one when things don’t work out less than one year into the it. Instead of empathy and kind words, her words made me more miserable and depressed.

She is the one that is complaining nonstop and telling the whole world how miserable she is in hers but yet STILL MARRIED.

I did not end my first marriage at the first sign of distress. You see, it was very much an old problem brought into a new marriage.

To cut the long story short, I cannot afford his lifestyle. He emptied our joint bank account twice. Once before and once after our marriage.

I had enough of his dishonesty and I felt he was just plain disrespectful because I told him I will leave him if he ever cleared the bank account again and he still went ahead and do it. He was probably gambling and picking up everyone’s tab at night spots.

If I had not made it clear enough, I really don’t enjoy people testing my patience and boundaries. Hence, I booked an appointment with the lawyer, paid, packed my bags and left.

My dad was supportive of me leaving the marriage after assessing the situation. Mum’s nagging miraculously stopped. He said he can accept a drunkard, a smoker or a jobless son in law but the moment gambling is involved, there is no turning back.

This was how I became the first in the family to get a divorce. I thought my dad was cool.

Now, the second one…

My parents called me up and visited two days after knowing about the husband’s infidelity and asked me to meet and talk to them directly. Forgiveness, forget, blah blah blah.

“Luckily it is not someone he is emotionally involved with,” said the mother.

“Everything can be discussed,” said the father.

Both of you… Gambling not ok, infidelity is ok and can be forgiven?!

Who doesn’t know marriage is hard work? Please tell the person that disregarded the holy matrimony. It definitely wasn’t me.

I don’t know why my parents like the current husband so much. Was it because he kneeled and cried and apologised to them for hurting me?

Or was it because my dad saw him broke down and cried when I was in coma after giving birth?

Or maybe it’s because they don’t want their youngest grandchild to grow up in a single parent family ?

I was irritated to the point of disowning them.

“Don’t be stupid. Stay and take all his money. If he finds someone new, you might not even get any alimony. By that time sue also no use,” said the mother.

And I heeded that advice. MONEY.

So this was how I ended up having access to all his money.

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