Children are really gifts from heaven. Some people receive more than others. Some don’t receive any despite being on their best behaviour.

Many struggled with their fertility journey and sad to say most people don’t talk about their struggles. If more people share about their infertility rather than just their bundle of joy, it will shed more light and paint a better picture of the journey to parenthood. Less people will feel upset and depressed when faced with another month of disappointment.

My friend Ah B recently asked me about things to take note before going for IVF. Watching Season 1 of Friends from College on Netflix triggered all the memories and feelings I had of my IVF journey.

Here goes, what I wished I knew before embarking on the journey.

First up, I will join this Facebook group Singapore IVF Support Group (join if you are based in Singapore). Look for one near your area if you are not. Loads of people sharing their struggles and questions on the journey and you can post anonymously as well. What to read, eat and do to prepare your body.

Insight: It was from this group that I mustered the courage and found motivation to go for my second IVF cycle. Some couples have been trying for 10 years. I realised what I went through was nothing compared to them.

Second, be patient. First timer success only happens to a minority and extremely lucky group. Most people don’t succeed on their first try. Go get both your bodies ready by visiting TCM to take tonics, acupuncture or supplements as recommended. Treat it as healthy living and go together. I know mums to be are strong physically to endure the pain, the travel and wait at the clinic alone. Overtime, you will need the mental and emotional support from your other half.

Insight: My husband was doing his Masters and could not take leave from school to accompany me for these appointments. Most women had their husbands with them and I was wondering why they need to activate their husbands for quick scans and TCM acupuncture visits. I became depressed and had a meltdown after the first failed cycle because I felt so alone. I was not the one that wanted IVF in the first place.

Third, you are a team. If you decide to do it, there is no such thing as “you wanted it” and “I am not obligated to go with you”. Please don’t have a child if this is your mentality.

IVF is invasive and more taxing on a woman’s body. A woman needs all the emotional and mental support when it starts. Hormones will affect her libido accompanied by mood swings. Don’t give bullshit like your wife has no sex drive and hence you go look for other forms of sexual pleasure. You clearly don’t deserve this woman, you don’t deserve to be a father and you don’t deserve the joy that accompanies it.

Insight: Ask your husband to administer the injections for you. His excuse to me was he was afraid of needles. Many women I know that went through IVF had their husbands do this for them. I did not think it was that big a deal as I was perfectly capable of administering all the shots myself.

I asked myself this numerous times after finding out his infidelity which occurred during my IVF journey. Will he do what he did if he see what I went through and felt like he inflicted pain on me? I guess I will never find out but I am thankful he never made comments about my gynaecological challenges.

Four, support. Although modern women are perfectly capable of visiting doctor appointments alone, it does not mean men cannot be there as a moral support. When a woman visits the clinic multiple times a week and her private part hurts from all the vagina scans, the most basic thing a man can do is to get his woman a hot drink and accompany her home.

Friends may not understand the procedure and I bet my last dollar someone will ask you to relax and don’t stress while trying. No stress to them because they are the fertile ones after all. Make friends with people who are going through the same journey for support. Join group chats for people going through the same thing.

Insight: Don’t put a strong front and keep everything to yourself. Reach out when you need help. When you share, you will find that there are people who are struggling as well and you are not alone.

Five, if you managed to get a big fat positive, congrats! Take whatever aspirin and supplements as recommended by the doctor. Childbirth is still dangerous despite today’s advanced technology. Not all risk is on the baby. Don’t ever think that taking medication is bad for the fetus. You need to survive and take care of yourself first before you can take care of your child.

Insight: If I knew about how IVF will affect my health and my life, I might not go for it. I’m always the kind that do first worry later and this is not good. I had half a life left after childbirth and the episode with pulmonary embolism which triggered a stroke leading to haematological, cardiac and neurological investigation.

Hence, I will always urge healthy women to be cautious because I was the physically fittest person in my social circle who ran a marathon and more than half a dozen of 21.1km.

Despite what I went through, a smile from the little one made every pain and heartbreak seemingly worth it. But what if the child didn’t survive? What if I did not survive?

My Pioneer Generation mum chided me for sharing about IVF so openly. I guess it is the traditional and conservative Asian behaviour to save face? Why is it ok to seek help but not ok to talk about it?

I never hide the fact that my precious is an IVF baby. What is there to hide? Not all bodies are made for child bearing. I needed more help to have a child and that is a fact.

To all sisters and brothers going through IVF and those who succeeded: Talk more. Share more. Normalise infertility. Normalise IVF.

You will never know how much comfort, encouragement and benefits your sharing will bring to someone that needs it.